Today I can’t write what I had originally planned for this week. Maybe next week, I can share another Insecure inspired theme. My heart is too heavy now, and I really don’t have many words. I will share with you this song. I don’t have the rights to this music but it spoke to me.
This song written by Wills Well was for a friend who had lost an important person in their life. Well, I didn’t personally know George Floyd but his death has impacted the world. I said the world. There are even protests in New Zealand, Berlin, as well as all over the United States.
Another Insecure theme, I should write my blog based on their shows during the season. I have another one in mind for next week, stay tuned. Thanks Issa Rae for all the subject material. This is my list. Please share with me yours. We all have friends for different seasons, reasons, and there are some that last a lifetime. There are your friends you go to when you need to talk, vent, need advice. You have your friends you travel with, friends you club with, and go to happy hour with. People also have work friends, college friends, now we have Facebook/Instagram friends. I could go on and on. When it is time to end whatever friendship it is?
When it becomes toxic and there is no resolution in site.
When you are the person that pours into the relationship, but your “friend” does nothing to cultivate the relationship
When your friends always puts you down, the only way the relationship works is that they are the winner and you are the loser.
When your friends crosses a line that should never be crossed. i.e friend flirt with your man, husband
When you no longer have anything in common. You use to be at the club every weekend but now that you are married with three kids you no longer club. If all you were is club friends with no other substantial relationship there is nothing to hold the relationship together.
When the person can’t accept you as you grow and become and can’t be supportive in the process. Similar to five but they are different.
Nathan and Molly conversation is hilarious. It is long but a good listen to.
As I mentioned last week this concept from one of my favorite shows Insecure. Maybe I love Insecure so much because it causes me to do some self-reflection. I said google it last week, but let me share what it is. Impostor syndrome isanxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence and active role in achieving success, while falsely attributing one’s accomplishments to luck or other external forces.
I had to look it up as Ahmal mentioned in the “Wine Down”. This is so me. I am and have always been a perfectionist. I wanted to excel in school due to that fact, as well as my competitive nature. It was not that I necessarily liked school or a particular subject. I just knew I had to be great at it. Though high school, college, physical therapy school, medical school, residency, fellowship, first job, and the ones in between I have had the fear that I was not good enough, not smart enough. To this day when I have an obstacle and there are always those I often have fear and self-doubt. Whether it is that hard surgical case, board recertification, self-assessment tests for recertification, marathons, triathlons, etc. Oh my God, I had so many doubts that went through my mind before my first IronMan race last year. Anything that could go wrong, I thought of. There is always a fear in my mind that I will fail, and I will confirm this mean girl who told me she thought I was dumb when we were in middle school Add the fear of failing in a relationship and that is an entire other conversation
I share to say that no matter how perfect you may think someone life is, no one is perfect. No one has it all. We all struggle from time to time and while some may think revealing this is a weakness I beg to differ. I have had to learn to lean on God. When those fears come, I have to speak the opposite to myself. When fears of everything that could go wrong surface, I just have to think of a plan to counteract all of those scenarios. Also I often think what if the worse case happens it may not be that bad or the end of the world. We all have issues, and could all spread sometime on someone’s couch, at the end of the day.
The last blog I posted I had just returned home for a ski trip in Sun Valley Idaho. So much has changed since early March. The last two months have been a time of tremendous reflection among a lot of other things. Below are a few things that I have learned during this time of isolation.
I spend way too much money on things, I don’t really don’t need
I love Insecure, Black AF- have watched them multiple times. Not sure why they give me a good warm fuzzy feeling
I know way too much about Coronavirus to be an orthopaedic surgeon.
While I am extroverted introvert ( google it). I miss my social network.
I can workout at home.
From a person who was scared of water I miss swimming
I would be okay with a move, and a new start as most of my friends are literally worldwide.
I love sports especially football and glad it is not NFL season now
I needed time to get my affairs in order- will, power of attorney, my beneficiaries for my life insurance
I am an emotional eater, this was just re-affirmed. I gained 10 quarantine pounds, and have lost 9. Now need to loss those vacation pre-COVID pounds and will be good
I miss my family especially my uncle who recently passed from COVID-19
I love to sleep late, and stay up late. I am actually much more productive but my job really is not conducive with that schedule.
It okay not to be okay. I have had some good days and bad days. Some days I have to cry and even had a few virtual counseling sessions.
Voting Matters, this was just confirmed
I have Imposter Syndrome (again google it) back to number 2 thanks Issa Rae
I had the week from hell two weeks ago. The safety net hospital I contract with is having significant financial problems. They are robbing Peter to pay Paul. So as of April my salary won’t be fully supported there. I found this out in meeting I thought was supposed to be a marketing meeting. Add that to my recent health issues, 2020 has not started out great. Good news is that I got a clean bill of health after all my medical tests. Doctors stated it was stress and overtraining. So this means I need to slow down. I don’t think I know the concept, but I am learning. So my two Iron Man races will not happen. Maybe one or I may just cycle and do half Iron Man races this year. This is too be determined. I have to hustle hard regarding work, to cover my hobby expenses first of all.
I tell you all of this to say life can kick you in the butt, make you fall down. It can come out of nowhere. Well last week I went to my happy place on a trip I started planning for this time last year or the proceeding weeks issues would have kept me at home. I thank God I went. Skiing is one of my happy places. There is something heavenly about being on a mountain seeing all of God’s beauty. It also is mini reunion with my snow family. It feeds my spirit in ways that words can truly explain.
Part of the joy of the Summit is ski racing which sounds a bit intimidating. You ski at fast as you can around gates. Gates are basically two poles with a flag for those who don’t know.. The goal is to go fast but be somewhat in control so you don’t fall and go tumbling down the hill. It is quite the adrenaline rush. As my friend Eric Rhea states white powder is one of my drugs of choice. There is a technique in the mastering of these gates. Mentally I grasped the basic techniques and have looked as numerous amateur and Olympic racers at work. I have ski races saved on my DVR. My body obviously have not fully grasped the technique to the fullest. In ways it may never. I will never be Lindsey Vonn although I do have one a Lindsey Vonn race suit. Nevertheless each year, each trip I get a pearl and put it to practice.
Last Thursday I raced Advanced women again. It was the second time racing advanced. It was the longest ski race I have done. I did my usually routine. I inspected the course with someone who has been racing for years. I did the first run, as best as I could my goal was to go fast but not risk missing a gate or falling. The first run also calms me, and get me in my groove. The second run, I took some of the tips that the experts were sharing at the start and tried to push it harder, but stay controlled. I decided not to look at my scores until the end. It would not have matter. My last run, I wanted to stretch the limits. I got some more tips. The first three gates I felt great I was being aggressive and I felt like I was much faster than the last two runs. Then I think I hit a gate and down I went. Falling is funny is a certain aspect especially when you are skiing fast. The best think is to not fight it but just fall. You are less likely to have a major injury that way. Well I fell and sled a few seconds. Those seconds seems like several minutes. I was thinking when am I going to stop. I finally did. I got up in one piece and skied off the course.
Also thinking about the fall. I get a spiritually analogy. In my life the times I have hit rock bottom. Fallen so hard, I didn’t think I could ever give and had to totally depend on God to carry me. In those times that I had no control. When I fell hard I had no control I just had to trust I would eventually stop and be able to get up in one piece. In reality I also really have no control of the times I am so-called up. I may think I do but I don’t. I realize that I have to trust God and the process for my ultimate victory.
I get so many life analogies from my hobbies. They make me a better Ouida. Life sucks sometimes, a lot of times. We cry, we get hurt, people die, you loss a job, loss a fortune on a bad deal. I could go on and on. The key to success is not dwelling on the hurt. Yes grieve, learn, and move on. So my runs are life. First was good, second was better, and third was working on greatness. You say how can that be I fell- DNF. Dreaded words in sports world. I learned something in my falling that I would not have learned playing it safe. I pushed the envelope so now I know how it feels. I just have to work on keeping that. If I never pushed I would not have felt the breakthrough. Also despite my fall, my past had be set up for a win. I won first place in my age group, and my fall will set me up for mind-blowing win in the future. That is my truth and that will carry through this rough season. All things are working for my good
Romans 8:28 King James Version (KJV)
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
